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Anonymous

Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference.

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.

If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out.

Golf in hell

Having led an interestingly dissolute life composed largely of women, drinking, gambling and golf, but not necessarily in that order, at the end of it, the new arrival was not too surprised to find himself in hell. He was however quite surprised to find that his particular corner of Hades was an eighteen-hole golf course complete with gentle woods, a cooly serene lake, well kept fairways, an immaculate green and a clubhouse with the usual professional's shop. The reprobate's delight was complete when he read the shop's notice.

HELP YOURSELF. ALL EQUIPMENT FREE.

"Well, this is going to be tough to take," he leered as he chose a bag containing perfectly matched clubs. So laden he ambled to the first tee where he took out a driver, gave a delighted practice swing and then felt in the ball pocket. It was empty. He was about to return to the shop to remedy the situation when he noticed a grinning figure in red.

"Don't mind me," the grin grew wider, "and don't bother going back for balls. There aren't any. That's the hell of it!"

Not scoring well this year

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.
"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"
"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"
"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

Golfing Truths

Always concede the fourth putt.

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors.

Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry.

Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better.

Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time.